“At some point I’m going to give myself the pleasure of peeling this off,” she laughs, smoothing it down over her bulky nose ring. “It’s so chic,” she says drolly, her immaculately constructed outfit of orange mesh top, cropped tartan trousers and Adidas sliders topped off by a shiny black pore strip stretched tight across the bridge of her nose. It’s the first thing Katy Perry notices as she suddenly appears behind me. And lying to ya guys would just be.immoral.In among the typical recording detritus of New York’s Jungle City Studios – boxes of foam ear plugs, rolls of tape, untouched buttons on a soundboard the size of a London studio flat – sits a Febreze candle, its lime-green wax emitting a scent like sweetened detergent. Lastly, was the Chris Cornell uncalled for? Absolutely, but it was exactly what I was thinking at the time, and for me to have changed it to anything else would have been a lie. Like some of you whining in the comments, I went in on the listen giving Katy Perry the benefit of the doubt and was wrong.Īs for the manner in which the review is delivered- for me to do a proper, articulated review for a piece of music that doesn’t give two shits about theme, track transition, lyrics, original instrumentation (not something that feels copy and pasted) seemed ludicrous to me. Yes, what drew my attention this album was the especially horrible reviews it was getting, but I thought all the bad press was more focused on her behavior as of late and new look, rather than the music. If that's you, I have a helmet for you to wear that will go great with that stick up your ass. If you read the summary and expected a serious review to follow, you just might be mentally impaired. Reviewing Katy Perry is like trying to make love to a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner, it sucks. There's loads more, but I'd like to close this out with one of my own. Life’s a pendulum/It all comes back around (“Pendulum”) You came in like a sailor with your heart that anchored me (“Into Me You See”) I take a deep breath and save as draft (“Save as Draft”) You’ve got me spread like a buffet (“Bon Appétit”) If you really want to get some joy out of this album, listen to it for the hilariously awful metaphors/analogies that litter the album’s lyrics. Not to forget, all of this “fresh” material is delivered to you, the listener, courtesy of some lukewarm club music. In addition to the smh-love-songs, there’s some “party anthems” (“Chained To The Rhythm”) that are about as energetic as Chris Cornell’s corpse and sex songs that fail to titillate (“Bon Appétit”). The sparkling turd in this pile is “Miss You More.” It dials up the cringe to 11 as Perry exclaims in the chorus, “I missed you more than I loved you.” Everyone’s experienced puppy love before but no one wants to talk about it, let alone hear a 3 minute song about it. After the first four songs, all the effort the album puts in to convey Perry’s strength as an independent woman is deconstructed by a series of sappy love songs that harp on unrequited romance and “what if” scenarios. In classic pop album fashion, this record is front loaded like a mother. Overall, Perry takes some nice shots (Yeezy would be proud) and Nicki Minaj closes out the track in typical Nicki Minaj fashion- flexing on haters while switching deliveries/voices several times over. She continues the braggadocios delivery “Swish Swish," a confirmed Taylor Swift diss track. The track finds the singer doing a bit of bragging- her money situation is ridiculous, she’s strong and independent. “Hey Hey Hey” is more memorable with its growling synths, creating a unique contrast to Perry’s sweet voice. The album gets off to a decent enough start with “Witness,” a song whose dance music isn’t anything special, but its chorus is catchy enough for me to be singing it loud enough in my head that I forget my order at Burger King. I figured the critics and fans were reacting more to her new Trash-Bag-Miley-Cyrus look than her new music, but boy was I wrong. But what do reviews matter when you’ve already made millions off songs like “Firework,” “Dark Horse,” and “I Kissed A Girl?” I have no idea but seeing the especially awful reviews for her latest release, Witness, I was intrigued. With an average Metascore of 53, it’s safe to say that mega pop star, Katy Perry, has never enjoyed the best of reviews. Review Summary: Katy Perry's Witness sparkles like a bedazzled turd.
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